I’ve always been in love with the idea of being a housewife, but we can’t afford it right now. I mean…we sort of can, but that means leaving kids out of the picture for a long while and not having much money to spend. So the easy answer is to just get a mundane job until we’re more financially secure, right? Wrong. I kind of want a career. I’m not sure in what or for how long… but I want to be able to buy things myself, buy things for him and the future kids and I’d like to pay for the private schooling (while he pays mortgage and other bills like that). There are a few problems…
Seriously, if you were a unborn infant, you would be coming out as practically a toddler. Gross. Anyways! Big news! I’m engaged. lol, have been for about a month. Also I quit school - sigh. Anyhow, let’s get on with the show.
but I’m posting again! I totally forgot I am like one or two episodes behind in TVD!!!!! Screw homework, who needs a degree? Psh~
I know, my last post was ubber depressing. It was just my mood. To be honest, I am still depressed but today… Is different in a way. Still a let down of a day, but different nonetheless! And I have news to share with you, my imaginary readers!
I feel it boiling up in me, I have for a few days… Maybe longer. The depression setting in. I am weak, it takes so little for this to happen to me. It’s been awhile … Then again how long has it been? I feel like this is a bad one. I can admit suicide has been on my mind at random moments, even at the best of times. I don’t know why, I just feel like a nobody. Waste of space. I have no story, there is no narrator. My life is nothing. Everything is so boring. I get so dramatic, I try to make everything a big deal but nothing really matters… Does it?
I don’t mean to be so depressing. I’m not going to off myself, that would be awful timing. I’m about to start beauty school, am finally taking a Japanese class (though that often feels hopeless at times too), I have a boyfriend and an occasional job, two wonderful dogs, I have a lot going on. Lots of good stuff :) I just feel… Unread is all. Oh boo hoo woe is me.
I recently got a staff infection on my leg, my inner thigh to be exact. It’s disgusting, painful… I have to give myself pain just to get rid of it. It will scar. It is disgusting. My body is disgusting, just like my personality. Oh woe is me and mine.
For some reason when I say “staff infection” I want to say SARS… I don’t know much about SARS but it is connected in my brain to illness then death. I won’t die from my infection, I am taking antibiotics and doing what I have to. Still, what if I did have SARS or cancer or poisoning? What would I do? Panic. Cry. End my life after I hear the news and had a moment to think about it? While laying in my boyfriend’s arms, him sleeping and snoring, I began to weep. I decided I would find my way to Michigan if I could, and die on my father’s grave. He is so alone there.. I imagined me lying there, sprawled out as if I was hugging the ground, first in the snow and then spring, summer and fall. I lied still while the world kept spinning. I meant nothing more than a few measly tears. How belittling. Makes me wonder why God would make me to be so pathetic, so small and insignificant. Then I made a plan in my head, still crying silently and somberly enjoying the tears that this girl does not shed. I planned to go to Michigan in the summer, save money from my next check, buy a ticket now as to save money… Then I would kill myself on my father’s grave. I always told my mom I wanted to be buried next to him and never burn me, don’t “cremate” me. While imagining myself deliberately lying there, wondering how I may off myself (do I want pain? Do I want to “risk” survival?) I had a thought. A heart breaking one, a thought that made me want to off myself all the more.
My mother could never afford to bury me, never afford to fly my body to Michigan if I were to die. It can’t happen. She is useless. He is alone. So now I think of her wish. She wants her body burned, cremated, which disgusts me but she is a Wiccan.. An atheist? I don’t know the definition of the word. She wants me to scatter her ashes at the lake we used to visit. My brothers and I. I always imagine me doing it by myself but… Who says I am to have that right just because I am last born? I have such a strange dedication to my mother, I “need” her and I don’t understand why when I don’t “want” her. I love my mom, but so many people have let me down. Now even the little things crack my stone heart more and more. Got a bit off subject. Anyhow my realization just now was that… I wouldn’t do it. I never follow through. I can’t even kill myself. I can’t meet some guy off the Internet to be a “sugar baby”. I can’t even lose the weight. What makes her think that I’d get off my lazy ass, pay to get her cremated and drive all the way to the lake and just give her body away like that? I feel … It’s rude, it’s unbelievable. How selfish she is with her own death- to give herself to nature and “good memories”. And yet here I am… Asking the financially poor woman to send my body across the country and bury me beside a man she ran from. A man I barely know… No, I never did know him, I only know of him.
Another thing. My mother and that lake… She planned to never leave this place… She said she would follow me in a military career, even an acting one, follow me across the world to wherever I wanted to go. But she lied. I am not hers, she is not mine. She will not loyally follow me. I can not have her to myself… I am alone, I realize that today. Hachiko can only do so much, she is a dog, I love her with all my heart but my heart is wounded and I have wounded Hachiko. I ruin things… People… Hearts. I always have, I try to stop myself but I do it anyhow.
I can’t stand myself, nor can I continue this devotion to my mother, brothers and dead father. I want to save money and run away —- from all my responsibilities. I want to change my name and forget them all. All my friends, family… Taking Hachiko would make it more difficult.. But I would, because I owe her at least that much. She is mine and I am hers, Hachiko will follow me.
Will I really run? Probably not. But I want to… I want to run from my past, create a new life. Would I ever visit them? It would probably kill my mother in only a matter of months… Or maybe I think too much of myself. I want to be alone but I am so lonely. For now I can control it, but there are random moments where… Nothing happens, I’m just sitting or standing there. Talking, reading, watching tv or listening to my professor… And I can feel tears well up. Uncontrollable sobbing… It will come soon. I am broken… I can feel it. I can feel my impending doom during even the brightest of moments. Doomed, I am doomed.. Cursed.. Dying- but we are all dying… Are we not? I make little sense.. I am tired.